Fight Or Flight?
In search of the right answer
There’s a quote from former heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson (who also does a mean version of Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight”) that goes, “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.”
Before we go any further, let me just state that this column is neither about punching people in the face nor getting punched in the face. But it is about conflict and some thoughts on dealing with it, particularly as it relates to work.
I believe every business relationship is, at its core, adversarial. One party is trying to extract as much as it can from another party and vice versa. This is true whether it’s an employee and a boss, a client and an agency, or any of the countless other pairings you find in business.
It’s important to note that an adversarial relationship doesn’t have to be actively aggressive. The two parties can try to extract as much from each other without being a$$holes to each other. But too often, I think people mistake a counterparty’s politeness for selflessness and, in doing so, allow themselves to get bowled over.
In adversarial relationships, there is bound to be tension. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned (and tried to practice, though I don’t always succeed) is that it’s really important to get comfortable sitting in that tension.
At a leadership conference that I used to help run, one of the speakers used the analogy of a rubber band. In order to do its job, a rubber band needs to exist in a state of tension. That state shouldn’t be so extreme that the rubber band breaks, but it shouldn’t be limp either because then the rubber band serves no purpose.
But that’s not obvious to a lot of folks. When they enter a tense negotiation, say, they get uncomfortable. (We’ve all been there: the rise in body temperature, the dry mouth.) Faced with that discomfort, they want to get out of it as quickly as possible, and allow the rubber band to go limp. They’ve removed themselves from a tense situation, but they’ve also given into their counterparty. A small win in exchange for a big loss.
But if you are able to stay put in that tension for a little while longer, you start to realize that it isn’t that bad and it allows you to better advocate for what you want. A small win followed by a bigger one.
Maybe you’ve seen someone do this in real life. I have, and have watched in awe. At first I thought the courage to do so was a reflection of stature. I thought the person was so strong in negotiations because they had a certain title. What I came to learn was that it was the reverse. They had the title because they were so strong in negotiations.
Like every skill, this comes down to reps. The earlier you start practicing remaining in that state of tension instead of running for the hills, the more comfortable you will become. That’s an important follow-up to Tyson’s quote. When you do get punched in the face, a lot of the time, you realize it isn’t anywhere nearly as bad you thought it would be. And if you can get back to your plan after that, you become a very fierce opponent.
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