The Reward of Setting Rules for Yourself

Plus how-to find someone rich to marry

May 14, 2024

A few years ago, following an awfully embarrassing skiing accident in which I dislocated both of my shoulders (plural), unable to workout, I decided to try keto for a month. Like any person with a self-imposed dietary restriction, I found myself at a dinner with friends rambling about why I was opting into this high fat, low carb prison sentence. Good for calorie restriction, improved blood sugar control, higher energy, and most important for the double-dislocated shoulders, reduced inflammation.

When I finished extolling the benefits of the ketogenic diet, one of my audience members (friends) suggested perhaps something else was motivating me to keep up the keto commitment: “Maybe you just like the feeling of accomplishing something every day.” This had not even crossed my mind, but he was bang on: I was enjoying creating rules for myself because of the satisfaction I got from following them every week, every day, every meal. I had built micro-purpose into my daily life.

Just to be clear, I think rules set by others should be default-viewed with skepticism. The people who set rules for us generally have their own best interest in mind. Remember when we were kids and we were told we had to wait 30 minutes after eating to go in the pool? Fake. No skateboarding? No loud music? NO FUN! They even invented a word — “loitering” — that sounds like a bad thing we all agree not to do, to try to prevent “undesirables” from hanging out? Rules set by others remove our autonomy, the disempower us, and limit our freedom to make choices.

Allow me to present a how-to guide for setting rules for yourself.

Note: these are guidelines, not rules!

[REFLECT] Decide who the heck you want to be — What type of person do you want to be? More specifically, which parts of you do you want to become more of you? E.g. skinnier, stronger, more present, financially free (f*ck it, rich!), empathetic, sober (not such a drunk idiot)
This is the most important step in the process, because everything else is downstream of this reflection. I highly recommend finding a regular reflection process that requires doing some work to know, with more certainty, who you want to be. This is the one I’ve done on my birthday for the last two years.
[STRATEGIZE] Figure out what it takes to become the person you want to be — What general actions do you need to take to become the person you decided you decided you want to be?
If you decide you want to be skinnier, you need less calories in than calories out.
If you’re trying to be more present, you may want to do daily meditation.
If you want to be financially free, you should find someone rich to marry.
[DEFINE] Create the constraints that will lead to your desired outcome — This is where it gets fun. You know yourself, you know your goals, now set the rules you’re going to follow.
One way to take less calories in is to skip breakfast — the rule: “I don’t eat my first meal until noon.” (Note: “most important meal of the day” was proliferated by Big Cereal's marketing campaigns in the early 20th century)
One way to meditate more is to do it before you look at your phone in the AM — the rule: “I don’t check my phone before I mediate” (Note: retail therapy can actually work here: buy nice meditation pillows that you’ll enjoy using)
One way to find someone rich to marry is to pose as a wealthy heiress to access the upper-class New York social and art scenes from 2013 to 2017.

This sort of arbitrary rule-setting has likely always been a core motivation for me, but only since Ketogate, have I been to able to articulate what it is about this process of reflect → strategize → define that sets me up to feel good about where I’m at and where I’m going. Of course, not everyone will be motivated by a feeling of accomplishment. You might instead be motivated by recognition and appreciation, a sense of purpose, competition, fear of failure, or sexual gratification through illegal means. Most of these are okay, as long as you can identify which one is not and find which of the others motivates you.

I went for a long walk with Tadzio a couple weeks back. We discussed how he’s approaching publishing his fantastic Substack. Rather than committing to a strict cadence, he instead decided that he will never miss two weeks in a row — holding himself accountable, but still allowing for life to happen, without turning writing into something he resents. As it turns out, I had begun brainstorming this related piece the week prior, but was letting work and life get in the way of prioritizing it. What I needed was a rule for myself like Tadzio had.

Kindred

I wrote this newsletter on my flight back from London, where, thanks to Kindred, I stayed in a very nice 2 bed / 2 bath “flat” in Shoreditch for 6 nights for… $380 total. Kindred is the most exciting new thing in travel since TSA Precheck, the antidote to the vapid network that Airbnb has become. They call themselves a “home-swapping network” though I find that’s a little misleading, as it is not exclusively 1-to-1 swaps. Everyone on the app (renters included) must list their apartment to “become a member,” creating a network of like-minded guests/hosts and a supply of people’s actual homes, rather than the cheaply finished, bleak rental properties that Airbnb has devolved to. And because this is a home-swapping network, you do not pay the host to stay at their place. Instead, you pay a cleaning fee ($200) + a very small nightly platform fee (~$30/night) and the host receives credits, required to book. You can only earn credits by hosting and referring, as well as the 5 free nights you’ll get once you’re accepted when you use my code: and.ett. You don’t actually have to host or ever make your apartment available to use your invite credits. It’s not clear if this model will remain (perhaps currently VC-subisidized to keep costs low until they reach network effect) but as long as it is as such, I will be Kindred-maxxing across the globe. —Andrew

Civil War

We are living in some strange times, and I thought this film did an excellent job of showing what that might look like a few steps down the road. (Spoiler Alert: It’s friggin’ scary.) The movie studiously avoids oversimplifying the two sides, so you can’t easily tell who the “good guys” and “bad guys” are, which subsequently makes it difficult to ascribe your political leanings to one of the groups. As a result, you leave the theater (I’ve said it before, but please keep seeing movies in the theater. It’s still the best way.) turning ideas over and over in your head without coming to a tidy resolution, which is an increasingly rare phenomenon in popular entertainment. —Justin

This Old Ledge: Grant’s Tomb

I’ve really enjoyed this series Thrasher has done where they look at iconic skate spots and tell not only their skate history (who did which tricks when?) but their civic history (who made this thing and why?). Both are significant, and it’s interesting to see the unintended ways that the latter ends up influencing the former. —Justin

Bobby — Recorded at Houghton (2023)

I recently described my electronic music taste as predominantly “pretentious house” and 1. I was quite proud of that one and 2. I think this mix nails what I meant. Come over and co-work, the coffee is strong and this will be on in the background. —Andrew

Just a Thought

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